Let me start off by saying this: humans are dumb. They are so self-centered, they think that only they could be smart enough to be historians, or spies, or the great thinkers. I’m living, hopping proof that anyone can be brilliant. I’m a flea, and I’ve got a tiny conspiracy theory to share with you.
We fleas like to study our prey before we choose them – that’s another thing humans have gotten WRONG about us. I’ve been watching a certain cat, and there’s some weird stuff going on with her. To put it bluntly, I think this chubster is a time traveler. (And for your information, tinfoil hats do come in flea sizes!) A lot of you might know the classic photo of a man spontaneously kissing a woman in the middle of Times Square. The truth is that that photo has been edited. In my research, I found the original…
So fat, so confused, and so OUT OF PLACE! Clearly she had just popped into that moment in time. In fact, through further research, I came across the following stereogram:
Why would a stereogram, a medium which was only popular centuries ago, exist of this modern cat? And why would it depict her disrupting da Vinci’s work? Because she’s a time traveler. That’s why. It might as well be a photograph!
In all honesty, I want to travel through time. I mean, come on. I’m a flea. We’re studious, but small. We don’t get a lot of chances in life. You know what? I’ve made up my mind. I’m gonna jump onto this cat! Think of all the things I’ll learn… all the flea kingdoms I’ll create and RULE with an iron fist! I have no idea what it might be like to travel through time – when I imagine it, it seems like…
Wow. That’s horrific.
Here she comes! I’ll jump on, but as soon as it gets time travelly, I think I’m gonna close my eyes. I can’t get that horrible thought out of my head. Doctor Mew… no thanks! I hear a rumble, is it a purr? Or are we off already?! My eyes are shut tight! Is this what time travel sounds like?
It’s stopped. Is it over? Something is different. I smell milk… and fish. What kind of horrible time are we in? What society would have milky fish? Fishy milk? Hang on. Here’s a newspaper.
2417! DR. LEMEW?! She really was a time traveler… but she wasn’t even from my time. Am I stuck here now, where Thursday is “Purrsday”? You know, I was right. But this feels pyrrhic. I should have studied a squirrel. I don’t know if I want to live in a time where they actually like crooked newspapers, no matter what some weirdo time traveler says. In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s a liar. No one has ever liked crooked newspapers. Kitty leMew is a FRAUD, and – hold on, let me find the futuristic tinfoil – I have to expose her!